Movie Magazine

Headbanger Special Report

By Mad Professor Mike

Under Siege (A Headbanger Aesthetic Appreciation)

Hello, America!!! This Is Mad Prof. Mike with the Headbanger Aesthetic Appreciation. Y'know, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool liberal kinda guy, and it behooves me to sort of agree with barking Republican Pink Boys like William Bennett and guys with integrity like Bob Dole who've sold out to appease the suck-wad-suburban-slob-set to get elected President. But I think there *are* important moral lessons to be learned from movies, and Hollywood has to present these lessons responsibly.

And one of the most shining examples of what Hollywood can teach America's young is UNDER SIEGE, starring Steven Seagal. Of course, UNDER SIEGE didn't make Dole's recent list of "good" movies, because Seagal is a screaming liberal environmentalist, unlike, say, Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose TRUE LIES isn't as cool as UNDER SIEGE, but I digress.

What does UNDER SIEGE teach us? It teaches us it's *good* to not be a sissy, and to not take crap from people who have no real authority over us. At the beginning of the movie, Seagal takes all kinds of grief from his sissy, paunchy, X. O., Gary Busey, whose name in the flick is *KRILL*. *Krill*, as in *"SHRIMP"*. Get it? Busey dresses up like a broad--for no good reason except to look like a sissy when he and the bad guys take over the ship.

And Tommy Lee Jones is an Evil Hippie sell-out with a name that sounds like *STRYDEX*. Jones is the dark reincarnation of the revolting Woodstock Nation, who air guitars Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner as he sends a nuke to Hawaii. Is there a more potent symbol of the Baby Boomer scumbag sell-out than that? A guy in a tie-dyed shirt who wants to sell weapons of mass destruction for beacoup bucks?

UNDER SIEGE tells us it is our sworn *duty* to kill the sissy and the old hippie who push us around. Is there a more valid lesson for America's youth? And what is your well earned reward if you kill the sissy and the hippie? You get control of the big phallic battleship, the big phallic guns on the battle ship, and you get to take home PLAYBOY'S MISS JULY, Erika Eleniak! Ahhh! I LOVE THE MOVIES! With the Headbanger Aesthetic Appreciation, I'm Mad Prof. Mike for Movie Magazine.

© 1995 - Michael Marano - Air Date: 9/6/95

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